You Found Me
by watchxxthexsky
Summary: For a moment - and it’s just a single moment in time - Lucas’s inner voice whispers that had she not needed to be saved yet again, there would’ve been no reason for him to run into that building and Keith would still be alive. Post 3x16, LP.
1. Give Me Heart

If you all haven't heard the "news" about S7 and Chad… well you're lucky. My heart is positively broken in two. I don't want a S7 whatsoever, especially not without Chad/Lucas. Let's hope the show ends this season. I don't even know if I can watch the rest of this season, but I do know that I am feeling very angst ridden, and I was insanely inspired for this.

So I know this setting has been done before, the post 3x16 world, but I have a very different plan for it, and I hope you all trust me enough to do a good job with it. I'm really invested in this story. I was going to wait until after TSITT, but I just couldn't anymore. Seeing as I don't know what the fate of OTH will be, I want to get this out there - it's something I've been planning forever. Don't worry for those who follow TSITT, it'll be finished soon. I promise.

Here's what you need to do: takes place directly after 3x16. That's all, the rest you'll have to find out. It will be kind of a slow start, but we'll really get into it the next chapter. My timeline will be different, for sure. I'm stealing a lot of ideas, but it's going to happen on my own time.

* * *

_The water is rushing in  
I feel it on my skin  
Our boat is sinking now  
I wake up  
I grab my things  
As the waves keep  
Rollin in  
I ask myself  
Oh whats the point?  
Whats the point of it all?  
Whats the point? _

A maple leaf whispering across the graveyard caught Lucas's eye, happy for the momentary distraction. He never expected that the day he put his uncle in the ground - the man who was a second away from really becoming his father - would find the sky as blue as ever, encasing the shining sun, with not a cloud in sight. The weather was warm, and if this had been any other day - this would constitute the perfect fall day.

It isn't any other day. And there isn't any sign of rain or cold weather or dark clouds like he'd depicted in his mind or read in novels. Keith Scott's life had been taken, and today all of his loved ones have gathered around the grave site, bidding one last goodbye.

The preacher - who frankly, doesn't know a damn thing about Keith or how much he'll be missed - rattles on while Lucas stares straight ahead, unseeing.

He tries not to think of his uncle who's life has tragically been cut short.

Or the boy - who despite the act of violence, was still just a boy - who'd taken his own life mere seconds later.

He tries not to think about Peyton's near-lifeless body in his arms as he carries her out of the school.

The chill in her hands, but the warmth of her lips against his.

The way his mother had sobbed every night - all 3 of them, and he figures it can only get worse now that it seems so_ final_ - leaving him to either comfort her or blink back tears himself.

But most of all: he tries not to think - so_ fucking_ hard, he tries not to think - of the fact that had he not run into that building... Keith would still be alive.

Instead he focuses on soft cries around him.

Brooke is sobbing quietly, but he can hear her and it tears at his heart. She's been amazing to him and his mother since the shooting, and he's thankful for that - really, he is. But the hovering is too much to handle.

Haley is shaking with silent tears streaming down her cheeks. He knows her well enough to know that she'll break down in private with Nathan later. His brother is stoic, but his grip on his wife is tight.

"And now we ask for the strength to help us navigate the stages of our grief, as we lay our brother Keith to rest…"

The priest spews words that Lucas is sure are supposed to mean something, but altogether mean absolutely nothing to him. He walks forward to grasp a handful of dirt, shakily dropping it on top the casket.

He watches as one by one, the funeral attendants repeat the same action until the casket has been lowered and no one remains but him and his mother. Her hand grasps his and his lip starts to quiver. When he reaches over to wrap his arm around her, and her head falls to his shoulder, his insides burst, but the tears that he's sure are supposed to be present, never come.

_Give me heart  
Just give me hope  
Give me love  
Just give me warmth  
Give me all I never knew  
Give me something  
To hold on to _

Peyton bites her lip as she stares at the house in front of her. She's visited the Roe/Scott residence dozens of times - each time held a separate memory. Even with the heartbreak she'd experienced here, it always represented a home full of warmth and love to her.

Now, it just seemed cold and daunting. Through the windows, she could make out people milling about - all dressed in black. Not being able to make it to the funeral had her bursting into tears in her hospital bed, but she had been determined to make it here.

As her father led her into the house, her insides twisted. She didn't want to see the devastation of the people she loved. It was too hard.

She'd been through this at such a young age - to see Lucas and Karen, and countless others suffering wasn't going to be easy to swallow.

Brooke and Lucas are the first two people she lays eyes on. Before she can speak a word, Lucas is walking toward her, but her father intercepts.

"Lucas, I'm so sorry." Larry speaks sincerely. He's known utter heartbreak, himself. "I wanted to say thank you for saving my little girl."

Lucas shakes the older man's hand and nods.

Larry knows that somewhere deep inside - even though the boy he'd once deemed Rake Boy is dating his daughter's best friend - that Lucas wouldn't have ever been able to take anything happening to Peyton.

At the same time, Brooke walks over to her best friend. "Hey buddy," she speaks softly. Almost treading the water.

"Hey."

"I'm sorry I haven't checked in lately, I've just been busy with Lucas and Karen…"

Peyton internally freezes. She wants to be upset. She wants to cry and yell at Brooke and tell her that she's her best friend, and she should've been there.

But then her eyes catch a flash of blonde hair and she crumbles. And then does what she does best.

Understands.

"Yeah, of course."

Brooke sighs in relief. "I'm glad you're gonna be okay. I mean, you're gonna be okay, right?"

"Yeah, I'm gonna be fine," she assures. "I'm just gonna have to do some physical therapy stuff, so…"

They stand in awkward silence for a moment, both realizing it shouldn't be like this with your best friend, but then again, they both know where Lucas was at the time of the shooting, and it wasn't with Brooke.

"Well can I get you anything? Any food?"

"No, I'm okay really. I just came to see Karen."

Setting her crutches upright, she hobbles away. Working her way down the hallway, she passes Lucas and her father, and for a moment Lucas catches her eye - and everything she's been thinking since the shooting is conveyed between them.

It's not lost on the brunette standing in the living room.

_Time goes by so slow  
When you're waiting  
For a rescue boat  
The water's getting cold_

After having sat with Karen for longer than she'd intended - the woman who'd been so sweet to her for as long as she'd known, had broken down on her shoulder, and Peyton hadn't had the heart to leave, so they'd cried together over lost loves - she made her way back to find her father, but was pulled into a room by a familiar pair of hands.

"Lucas!" Peyton gasps, clutching a hand to her heart. This movement has her crutches clattering to the floor.

Lucas leans down to pick them up and hand them back to her. "Listen can we talk?"

She nods and moves to sit on his bed, but he stays standing in front of her.

"How are you holding up?"

Her tone is soft and the words almost sink into his soul. His eyes flutter shut momentarily before opening back up. "Okay."

He's showing clear signs of shutting down, but she refuses to let that happen. "Lucas, don't shut down. Not on me. I just… I know how you are. I'm the same way."

Lucas moves to sit on the opposite end of the bed, but doesn't say anything. They sit in silence for a few moments until she begins to move toward the door. "I should get back to my dad," she mumbles. "Let people in, Luke. You won't make it through if you don't."

"Why weren't you there?"

The questions shocks Peyton from leaving. Her head snaps around to look at him and her eyes begin to water. She tries not to take it personally - his uncle has just passed and she of all people knows what it's like to lose someone you love so fully, completely.

Stuttering over her words, her voice is no more than a soft whisper, "Luke… you know I -"

Lucas is fuming, short breaths coming through his nostrils. He jumps up from the bed and begins to pace. "No, you should've been there Peyton. My uncle was put into the ground today." His hands begin to shake. "And I needed you there. You weren't there."

Hobbling forward, she ignores the fresh pain throbbing in her leg. Dropping her crutches, Peyton reaches forward to wrap her arms around the lost boy.

Lucas squeezes his eyes shut, not allowing himself to release the tears pooling in his eyes, and refusing to accept the comfort Peyton so badly wants to give him. He wants it too, but he can't. Not from her.

Pushing her gently away, he sidesteps, pretending to miss the flash of pain that is shining through her - now dull - emerald eyes.

"Lucas it's okay to be upset. It's okay to show it."

Shaking his head furiously, he rejects that notion. "No, I can't." After a beat. Again. "You should've been there."

Sighing, Peyton shrugs sadly. "I know. I tried Luke. The discharge process took forever - by the time I was out, the funeral was ending. I'm sorry." Lucas refuses to meet her eyes, so she brings her hands to his face, gently titling it in her direction. "I'm sorry." She repeats.

For a moment, Lucas allows his shield to crumble; tears begin to build, throat tightens, and frown lines tug at his lips. But then he looks into her eyes, and all he can see is the blood stained carpet of the library, her tear stained face, Jimmy, Keith - and instantaneously the barrier is back up.

For a moment - and it's just a single moment in time - Lucas's inner voice whispers that had she not needed to be saved yet again, there would've been no reason for him to run into that building and Keith would still be alive.

He'd be on his way to officially becoming Keith Scott's son. And his mother would be an ecstatic bride.

Lucas shakes his head of the thought almost immediately. But it still doesn't erase the fact that the seed has been planted.

Removing her hands from his face, he steps around her and opens his door.

She watches him turn back to her and open his mouth, as if to say something, but instead he shakes his head and walks out.

It takes all she has not to break down.

_And the ocean  
Is not a home  
When you feel it  
All alone  
Well it's time to let you go  
Let you go  
Let you go _

It's been five days since the funeral.

Five days since Lucas has spoken to her. Five days since Brooke has been around. Five days since she's felt anything but numb.

There had been a ridiculous party thrown by Rachel and Brooke at the school for Lucas - for everyone, really. It had been a way to forget for one night, but Peyton knew that it would never work. Lucas was losing himself to the grief, and a party seemed so inappropriate. Instead of showing up, she'd curled up in her bed with her beloved sketchbook - but nothing had worked its way out.

Haley had been a rock for all of her friends. She'd called Peyton every day to check in. That was how she heard about the party, and how she'd heard that Lucas had exploded on Brooke, telling her that while the party was good in theory, it had been entirely wrong placed.

Peyton had been brokenhearted that Brooke hadn't been the one to tell her any of this, but then again, she'd come to not expect much from the brunette lately.

Sitting on her porch, she was broken out of her reverie by footsteps on the wood floor.

"Sawyer," Nathan greets, sitting down next to her on the step.

"Hey Peyton," Haley hugs her in greeting.

Peyton raises a brow at the married couple. "Not that I'm not happy to see you both, but what's with the impromptu visit?"

Haley bumps her shoulder into Peyton's playfully. "What? We can't just stop by to see our dear friend."

Peyton smiles cheekily before dropping back into a frown. "No, not at all."

They all laugh and sit in peaceful silence for a while.

"How's the leg holding up?"

She pats the afore mentioned leg gently and shrugs, turning to answer Nathan's question. "Good, I guess. It's weird getting used to crutches, but it's fine."

"Good!" Haley perks up. "We need you back on your feet for cheerleading."

Sighing, Peyton slumps again. "Oh right… school. I'd forgotten we have to get back at some point."

From each side of her, her two friends lean in to wrap their arms around her.

"So how is he?"

It's the elephant in the room and she can't _not _ask about him. She cares too much.

Haley bites her lip and thinks back to the night of the funeral.

"_Hey," Haley whispers to her best friend as she sits down next to him at the café. _

_Lucas barely acknowledges his sister-in-law and brother. The box full of each prediction the best friends had ever made sits in front of him, and he's in quiet contemplation for moments. And then he speaks, the words literally breaking Haley's heart. "Here, I'm taking my predictions back. They're not gonna come true now anyway. Not without Keith." _

_Nathan lays a comforting hand on Haley's back; he knows without looking, tears are welling in her eyes. "Lucas…" she starts. _

"_It was my fault anyways."_

_The other two occupants in the room are stunned at his admission. No wonder he's been escaping the presence of everyone lately. On top of the grief, he's living with the burden that this death was his fault. He's clearly wrong, but he believes it himself. And that's more than he needs._

"_Do not say that!" Haley pleads with him._

_Lucas shakes his head adamantly. "I shouldn't have gone back into that school."_

"_You're wrong!" Haley shouts "Luke, Keith would've gone back into that school if you were in there or not because that is who he was. This is _not_ your fault."_

_This time it's Nathan who pipes up. "Hey, she's right Luke. You did what he did. You - you went back in there to save a life. Otherwise we might have been at Peyton's funeral." _

_Even the though of that caused bile to rise in the back of his throat. Had he not gone back in there - would he have been at Peyton's funeral? Would Keith have survived? Or would he have lost both of them? _

"_I couldn't save Keith," he murmurs. It's not him realizing the truth, it's him mourning the event. _

"_Neither could I," interjects Nathan._

_Haley stands behind her best friend and hugs him from behind, resting her head on his shoulder. "He loved you a lot Luke. Just like we do." _

_The blonde girl pauses, mulling over her thoughts. She knows that Brooke has been there for her this year, and that her once-enemy has turned out to be an amazing friend. But she'd never quite been able to see her being the one for Lucas in the end. Haley reaches in and rifles through the many predictions until she finds the one she'd been searching for. _

_Taking a seat next to Lucas again, she flattens the edges in front of him, making sure he sees what's in front of him. He tries to look away, but Haley speaks loudly, assuredly. "Peyton Sawyer will become Peyton Scott." _

_Nathan's mouth drops open. His brother has loved that curly blonde longer than anyone could imagine. _

"_Lucas, if you'd not gone in there - you would never have the chance to make this come true. This is your second chance."_

_He reaches over for the piece of paper and stares nostalgically. Moments of Peyton race through his mind. He closes his eyes to remember each and every one before folding the paper up and putting it in his pocket._

_The three sit in silence with no other words spoken._

"He's about as to be expected. He's blaming himself, Peyton."

Haley smacks him, causing him to balk at her. "What? It's the truth."

Peyton frowns. She'd wanted to hear he was dealing, that he was letting himself open up to others. Not regressing. "Oh God, why?"

She watches as Nathan and Haley glance at each other, making her sigh in frustration which ebbs into sadness. It hits her.

He ran back in to save her. That's why he feels guilty.

"Oh God," she breathes. "This is all my fault. He thinks that saving me killed Keith."

'No!" Nathan bellows. He shrinks back when he realizes how loud his voice came out. "No, Peyton. It's not your fault."

"Yeah," Haley soothes, "you didn't ask to be shot."

She stands up very slowly, reaching for her crutches. "Thanks for coming to check on me guys, but I think I need to be alone."

Just as she's about to walk in, she hears Haley call to her. "Peyton, don't let the darkness swallow you too."

_All I ever really wanted was to  
All I ever really wanted was to  
All I ever really wanted was to  
Dream _

"Can't a girl get some peace and quiet?" Peyton jokes as Brooke flops down on the bed next to her.

"How's the leg?"

"It'll be okay. How's the boy?"

"He'll be okay," she answers. But she hasn't talked to him in days, and she can't be sure that it's the truth at this point.

Peyton enjoys the silence between them until she hears her best friend crying. "Brooke…"

"Peyton, I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"Because I shouldn't have left you there. I thought you were behind me -"

Peyton begins to protest, "Brooke,"

"No! I should've made sure," she insists.

For a few moments, Peyton isn't sure what to say. She's touched that Brooke cared so much, and has been so upset about this, but she knows there's something else lurking just beneath the surface. She's known Brooke Davis long enough to know that something else is eating away at her.

"Okay, you're my best friend," Peyton begins. "And, you wanna know what made me feel better when I was trapped in that library? It was knowing that Brooke's okay! You know, my best friend, she's safe!"

And then the other shoe drops.

"I love you for that, P. Sawyer. But there was something else that made you feel better in that library. My boyfriend. And I guess I can't hold it against him, can I? I mean, the boy I love protected the girl I love. And it's the girl he loves too."

"Brooke!"

"No, we both know it's true," she wails miserably.

Peyton wants to protest - she wants to yell at Brooke. Scream at her to stop being so selfish when something so much greater than either of them can fully grasp yet has occurred - is _still_ occurring.

But yet again, she shields herself and Brooke from her true feelings. Getting into their sordid history is too tiresome, and making Brooke feel better is her main priority these days.

So, she jumps up on one foot and motions for Brooke to stand. "Come here."

As soon as the brunette is by her side, Peyton engulfs her with what she intends to be a comforting hug.

"Alright, I want you to listen to me. I care about Lucas. And I always will. But he is insanely in love with you. And you know what, so am I! You're my Brooke. I'm not gonna hurt you again."

Even as the words leave her mouth, a violent wave of nausea sweeps over her. Remembering her kiss with Lucas, she knows she's left out a lot. But she figures she took the safe route out with her explanation.

"You're something you know that? I'm the one that gets shot, and you're the one who needs consoling."

"I'm sorry," is Brooke's whispered apology.

Peyton shakes her head and just squeezes tighter. She's not sure what's going to happen or if what's happened is too much for any of them to ever be okay again.

But she knows she's got her best friend right now, and as they embrace, her thoughts never leave the blonde male who saved her life in the library that day.

_Give me heart  
Just give me hope  
Give me love  
Just give me warmth  
Give me all I never knew  
Give me something  
To hold on to _

Quiet sobs penetrate Lucas's house that night. It's no different from any other night recently, but this time each cry is like a single stab to his heart.

His mother hasn't said it, but she looks at him differently now. She probably blames him too, he thinks. And it's just as well - Keith loved his nephew with all his heart, and Lucas knew that. But he selfishly ran back into that school without thinking of his mother or his uncle or his girlfriend. His only thought… was of Peyton.

He knows it's wrong to avoid her because of what was his own fault, but his inner voice that had spoken out during his conversation with Peyton was only getting stronger.

Now his only worry is that if he doesn't squelch it soon… things will never be the same again. Not just for himself. But for everyone he loves.

_Give me heart  
Just give me hope  
Give me love  
Just give me warmth  
Give me all I never knew  
Give me something  
To hold on to _

* * *

I'm really nervous about this. Let me know what you think!


	2. Light On My Shoulder

So we can thank this chapter to Chad Michael Murray and the big "Fuck you" to all of his fans. I still love him to death, but we are not friends right now, lol.

Guess I'm on a Susie Suh kick, huh? First chapter was **Give Me Heart**, this one is **Light on My Shoulder**.

**Just a little side note, let's assume NH are already moved back in together, and Brooke is biding her time there before moving out. **

* * *

_It's easier to fall and harder to stand  
It's easier to cry and harder to laugh,_

Only one day is separating Lucas Scott from going back to school. Having spent the whole weekend in complete darkness - he'd drawn the shades, shut off his phone after too many calls, and locked his doors - going back to the building that had witnessed the most traumatic event Tree Hill had ever seen, isn't something he's looking forward to.

There's a soft knock on his door, and Lucas doesn't even pretend to hold in the aggravated groan. He desperately wanted people to leave him alone - especially the girls. Haley and Brooke had been incessant with their calls and impromptu visits; always with the sympathetic head tilt and pity in their eyes.

If there's one thing he wouldn't stand for, it was other's pity.

After minutes on end of the knocking, he decides to answer the door - there was no hope of the person going away. Once open, he literally has to suck in his breath and swallow back the tears.

He knows for sure that if this is going to be his regular reaction when seeing Peyton Sawyer, that things are going to have to change.

It's a mix between being so damn relieved that she's still alive, and being so torn about the events that took place to get her to safety.

Her smile is timid but warm, and his hands itch to reach out to her.

"Hey Luke," she greets.

"Hi."

He rubs the back of his neck that indicates he's either nervous, aggravated, or thinking.

The scowl on his face points to aggravated and she tries not to take it personal.

But after the eighth day of him avoiding her, there was no way she couldn't take it personal. Calls, IM's, emails - all went unnoticed, or unwanted, by Lucas.

"How are you?"

Turning back into his room, he shrugs his shoulders lightly and takes a seat.

She stands in the doorway still; he's not inviting her in, but he's not exactly telling her to go either, so she timidly steps into the room, taking a seat next to him. She's not sure if it's intentional or not, but as soon as she's on the bed, he's scooting himself further down, and the move slowly tears at her heart.

"Luke, talk to me," her pleading voice is soft and filled with sincerity, causing him to close his eyes. Her presence is too much.

When her hand moves to rest on top of his - as some semblance of comfort - and he immediately shoots up from the bed, then her heart begins to tear even faster.

"What do you want from me Peyton?"

The edge in his tone throws her off, and had he not just suffered a tragic loss, she'd have entered into classic Peyton Sawyer bitch-mode. So she clears her throat and pretends to focus on the hem of her sweater. "Luke, I'm-_we're_ all just worried about you. Brooke says you haven't come out of your room all weekend and you won't talk to her."

"I'm sorry that I'm not the person I used to be before Keith died - I can't be him anymore, Peyton," his voice is tragically exhausted and her heart leaps out to him.

She stands to hug him and he falls into her arms. "I know what it's like, Luke. God, if anyone gets it - I do. Let us be here for you."

He buries his face into her neck and the overwhelming scent that's always been hers invades his senses; the tears fall in seconds.

"_If I say I love you right now… will you hold it against me? Cause I've lost a lot of blood."_

Her broken voice shatters through his memory from that crushing day and again he's pushing away from her as if she's just burned his skin. He wipes at the tears furiously, unwilling to let her see him so vulnerable.

Her vulnerability might just have landed him here in the first place.

Seeing this, her shoulders slump. With them it's always one step forward, two steps back.

"Okay so you don't want to talk to me, that's fine. At least let your girlfriend know how you're doing. She's a wreck, too. We all are."

Lucas watches her leave, unable to muster up the strength to stop her.

_And I don't know how, I don't know why  
But you're the light on my shoulder  
When I'm tired_

Walking into the building is an anxiety attack waiting to happen.

"_You will see an armed police presence around campus. They are here for your well being_," Principle Turner's voice comes over the loudspeaker.

Lucas knows that it's his duty to make some half-assed speech meant to make the students feel safe, but that safety has already been stripped of them, and the voice radiating through the school falls on too many deaf ears.

But when he hears the loud beep from the metal detectors it all snaps back into focus and he struggles to breathe all over again.

Straightening up after a few panicked moments, he spots his brother and best friend and begins his walk over to them but is immediately halted when he spots Jimmy Edwards' locker. In the center is a blown up version of his yearbook photo, and on the floor lay a vast amount of flowers and candles. Lucas's blood is boiling, but when he sees Mouth lay down a microphone in front of the pile, he begins to seethe.

"_We can try to make the school safer, we can try to protect you, but there are few precautions that we can take to protect your hearts_."

Brooke spots her boyfriend staring at the scene and immediately worries. She may not be someone that he's letting in right now, but that doesn't mean that she knows him any less. His hands are physically shaking and she knows without seeing his face that his jaw is locked and eyes are squinting. She walks up behind him and delicately places a hand on his shoulder, grateful when he doesn't shrug the gesture off.

"Let's just go to class okay?" She starts to walk down the hall after her request, but he remains still.

"Just give me one second okay?"

She wants to desperately take him away from the scene, but he's resistant, so she hesitantly nods.

"_Form a grief circle, talk about it. If you're feeling scared, if you're feeling vulnerable or confused, don't keep it inside. Let it out_."

Walking over to the adorned locker with a purpose, Lucas tears the photo violently from the metal and with one swift kick, sends the beautiful arrangement at the floor flying throughout the hall.

All noise within the building comes to a screeching halt and everyone is now staring in Lucas's direction. He glares at everyone and moves his backpack onto his shoulder.

He can't bring himself to care what other people thing; holding that violent urge in was not an option.

As he shares one last lock of the eyes with Brooke, he turns to head about out of the school.

Five minutes in, and the anxiety had somehow managed to creep up on him and consume his every nerve.

"_You are not alone. And this is your school_."

_It's easier to run and harder to be still  
It's easier to think and harder to feel,_

"Lucas Scott!"

The man in question whips around at the familiar voice shouting his name. Haley catches up with him, breathing heavily. "Dude," slapping his arm lightly, "you sure know how to make a girl chase after you."

At the quirk of his brow, she answers his silent question, "I've been calling your name for like 3 minutes."

"I'm sorry, Hales."

Haley looks him over, taking in his appearance: Red-rimmed eyes with dark circles underneath, hair askew, and clothes rumpled. She longs to wrap him in a hug until all the hurt is shaken out of him. She sighs, wishing it were only that simple. "How are you?"

Lucas runs a hand through his hair, frustration evident in every move. "I'm fine, I just wish people would quit asking me that."

"If you were fine, people_ would_ stop asking you that, Luke. But you're not fine, and you're not dealing with this."

"Haley," he speaks dangerously low, "I am dealing with it. I'm dealing with it every day."

The blonde girl shakes her head adamantly. "No, you're feeling it every day - but you're not coping. You're hoping that one day, it will go away, but you just keep pushing your feelings down - it's never going to get better like that."

Lucas just shakes his head back and forth slowly; even his best friend doesn't get it.

"Lucas... I just want you to talk about it. You can't keep exploding like you did in the hallway. It's not good for your sanity."

He reaches forward to pull her into a hug. She really is just looking out for him. "Hales, I love ya - and thank you for checking up on me. But what I need," he lets her go, and starts walking without waiting for her to catch up, "is for everyone to leave me alone. Give me space. I can't take you all constantly checking up on me. That is what's driving me to the edge of insanity."

Haley stops him from walking, by blocking his path. She eyes Nathan waiting in their car for her, and nods at him quickly. "Okay. Alright - but Brooke..."

He makes a sound of annoyance. "Is worried about me. Yeah, I got the memo."

At her confused look, he speaks, "Peyton stopped by this morning."

"Oh God, what did you say to her Luke?"

"Nothing. I told her I didn't want to talk to anyone." He drops his voice to a murmur. "Especially her."

Balking, Haley steps back. "What do you mean especially Peyton? I was hoping if anyone, she'd be the one you'd open up to."

Lucas looks down, his insides clenching at their encounter this morning. It's not as if he wants to treat Peyton the way he has been - he simply can't help it. He waves at Haley, and backs up quickly. "Listen, I have to go - I'll see you tomorrow... or something."

Watching Lucas walk away, Haley thinks this might be the most worried she's been about him since the day of the shooting.

Stepping into the passenger side of the car, Nathan leans over to kiss her cheek, but can feel the distraction coming off of her in waves.

"What's wrong?"

Turning to look at her husband, her eyes are wide, almost as if unbelieving. "I think Lucas blames Peyton for Keith's death."

_And I don't know how, I don't know why_

"Hey Sawyer."

Peyton shoots up from her spot on the bed, clutching a hand to her chest. "Jesus, Nathan, you know how to scare a girl."

She stands up to pull him in for a quick hug.

"Where's your dad?"

Peyton sighs and plops back down. He notices this, and takes a seat next to her, watching her lean back. "Don't tell me he left so soon after…?"

She nods and rolls her eyes. "Yep. But, in his defense, it's only 6 days. After that he's home for a few months. I get it."

Nathan looks at the girl he once called his girlfriend in amazement. She's so strong, even in the light of something so terrible.

They sit in silence for moments, just enjoying the quiet. She bumps his shoulder with hers, and questions teasingly. "So how's it living with the wife again?"

His smile brightens the room when he thinks of his amazing wife. "It's… fantastic. I love being with her full time."

Peyton smiles fondly. Her faith in love increases just that much. "And how's living with Brooke?"

Nathan laughs gruffly, and runs a hand over his face. "Oh that's… interesting."

The pair sit and smile at the thought of Brooke Davis; Peyton's sure she's made their love life a living hell.

"How's the leg healing?"

Glancing down at the wounded limb, she shrugs. "It's fine. Doesn't really hurt anymore. I just can't wait to get off these crutches."

He laughs and leans over to inspect the site, shivering in mock disgust, prompting her to slap his shoulder.

"So how are you really doing?"

The question takes her aback slightly. "I'm fine."

"Don't give me that," he pleads, "how are you really doing? Haley told me that Lucas and you had a talk this morning. She seems to think it didn't go so well."

Her eyes water and she has to bite her cheek to keep them at bay. "I think he blames me, Nate. For what happened. I pray to God I'm wrong… but he acts like it hurts to be around me. I don't know."

The anger at his brother wells up inside, but then he remembers what Lucas must be going through and it subsides. He lost his father figure. Dan may not be a good person, but if he lost him, Nathan doesn't know how he'd react.

"Peyton, he's going through so much right now, I really don't think that's how he means to act around you."

She stands up and goes to the window, rubbing her arms up and down. "But it might be, you know?"

"Don't even say it, Sawyer. I'm telling you right now."

Shaking her head, she turns back to face him. "No, I know - I'm just so worried about him, and he won't open up to anyone. And the way he was around me…" she gulps, but throws on a weak smile. "It's such a tense time for us all."

Nathan nods and they both stand there awkwardly. "We're all gonna be okay, Peyton."

"I hope you're right, Nathan," she whispers. "I hope you're right."

"It will be," he reaches to hug her again. "And we're all here for you. Especially Haley and I. Any time you need us. She wanted to come over here herself tonight, but she had to work. We're just concerned about you."

"And how are you, Nate? He was your uncle too."

Nathan looks down and clears his throat. "I love Keith, and I miss him - but I'm not in half the pain my brother is. I can't even imagine what hell he must be going through…"

Peyton folds her arms across her chest. "And that's what scares me."

_But you're the light on my shoulder  
When I'm tired_

Nathan shuts the door behind him and pauses to smile. Peyton Sawyer is possibly the strongest woman he knows. She's gonna be okay. And even if she can't do it herself, she's got more than enough people who love her that will stand by her. He begins to walk down the pathway when he bumps into Lucas, causing his older brother to fall back onto the cement.

"Oh God, Luke!" Nathan exclaims. "I'm sorry, you alright?"

Lucas stands up with a helping hand from the brunette Scott. "Y-yeah. I'm fine."

Nathan leans forward and breathes in deep, immediately his senses are overwhelmed with the stench of beer. "Have you been drinking?"

"Just a smidge," Lucas answers, moving his fingers close together to indicate the portion.

Quirking a brow, Nathan laughs. "Okay, well, I have to get home to Haley… don't do anything stupid."

_It's easier to hide and harder to trust  
It's easier to hate and harder to love_

Peyton opens the door, immediately shocked to see her blonde ex boyfriend leaning against the house.

Her insides flutter and she's happy he's taken the initiative to come to her. She'd been hoping for days on end that when he was ready to talk, she'd be the one he turned to. That connection that had formed between them instantaneously reassured her that they'd always be able to turn to each other - no matter who else they were with. It was why he'd understood that Jake was what she needed during the later part of their junior year, and why she helped him to get over Brooke's indiscretion with Chris Keller.

"Come inside Luke, it's late," she beckons.

He follows behind her, clumsily running into the wall, causing her to whip back around. She laughed lightly when she saw him rubbing his elbow.

"Lucas, are you drunk?"

Again he motions with his fingers, but then heaves out a loud breath.

"You're always saving me."

It's a phrase she's used on more than one occasion, mostly because she'd been in awe of his never ending ability to come through for her when she's in need of rescue. He's that one person she knows she can always count on, and her love for him only grows each time he's that man she knows he can be.

But it's not her that whispers it on the quiet fall evening, it's him. His tone is laced with bitterness and sarcasm, causing her to quirk her head.

"Luke…"

Shaking her off, he holds up a hand to stop her words. "Peyton, I have always been happy to save you - running red lights, reassuring words when you need them, calling Jake. But running into that building," he takes in a shuddering breath, half because he's not sure what he's about to say, half because he knows whatever comes out - this could be the end for them, "that… I _can't_ do this anymore."

Peyton's arms have somehow wrapped around herself, as if forming a protective shield against the boy who was already such a significant part of her heart.

If only you could keep someone out that is already so far embedded into who you are, she thinks. A lump has formed in her throat, and she doesn't even bother trying to clear it when she speaks, "What do you mean Luke?"

The slip of his shortened name has him closing his eyes - he thinks he might be making a mistake, but the vast amounts of alcohol are flowing through his system, and when a single tear slides down her cheek it reminds him of her distraught face that day in the library.

And it's always going to come back to that.

For a moment he looks into those eyes of hers - sparkling emerald from the tears gathering in the corners - and he lets himself get lost in the color for a moment before he feels his stomach lurching.

"Keith's dead," he murmurs. And it's almost as if for the first time, he's coming to the realization that his uncle is gone, and isn't ever going to come back to them.

Peyton moves forward to comfort him in any way she can. "Oh, Luke…"

He halts her movement with the only words he's wanted to say since he got here. "It's all your fault."

Feeling as if she's been physically knocked over, one hand goes to her chest, as if trying to grasp at her heart, while the other covers her mouth, not wanting the impending sob to escape.

"W-what?"

He keeps his head down, unable to watch the sparkle fade to a dull green. "Peyton, if it weren't for me running in there to save you - he'd still be alive! He went in that school because I was in there. And I," he falls to his knees, hands grasping at the wooden floor. Suddenly the pain feels more unbearable than ever, "I was so selfish not to think of him or my mom."

At this point, her knees have begun to wobble and the room seems to be spinning. Gut-wrenching sobs are working their way through her chest. She whispers his name one last time, but it's as if he doesn't hear her; locked in his own world of guilt, grief, and blame.

And he's taking her with him.

"My mom - she's devastated. And I ruined everything. _You_ ruined everything." He takes a deep breath, shakily standing to his full height.

Lucas barely gets to the door on his own, the alcohol coursing through his veins. Before he walks outside, he puts the final nail in the coffin. "I wish I hadn't been the one to save you."

"_And even if we do make it out of here, we're always gonna carry it with us. It's never gonna be the same."_

Peyton's knees hit the floor before his last word has even been spoken.

Two mothers dying. An absent father. Losing her best friend over this boy. An almost drug problem. Watching a man she loved be put in jail and on the run.

All of that seems to pale in comparison to having this boy put into words what she'd been afraid of him thinking all along.

Her body is shaking with sobs, and she begins to rock back and forth. The warm tears cascade down her face, but she's numb to anything that's happened since Lucas.

_And I don't know how, I don't know anything_

Forgetting to close her front door, Lucas hears the heartbreaking cries from Peyton. Almost immediately, he regrets verbalizing his inner demons and for a second his body and heart urge him to turn around, take her in his arms, and make her believe he didn't mean any of it.

To him, the scary part is that he did mean it - on some level. So he jogs down the pathway of her house, wanting nothing more than to separate himself from Peyton Sawyer.

He only makes it half a block before he's doubled over in the bushes, simultaneously vomiting and crying.

_But you're the temper in my voice  
When I sing_

* * *

It's only going to get worse, I believe. Let me know what you think!


	3. Drowning

Can I tell you all that you are absolutely the best reviewers in existence? Honestly, thank you so much for all the support, I appreciate it more than I can express. I feel terrible for leaving this fic for so long - but OTH has just not been something good in my life recently. I sometimes wish I wasn't an online fan, I think I could enjoy the show more, lol. But after Hil's vlog, some of my love has been reinstated. That woman is my damn idol and I adore her, always have. She just made me love her that bit much more. Now knowing that both Chad and Hil are leaving and that LP can have the happy ending they deserve (hopefully) my interest has risen back up, and now I'm back to reading and writing fics. Because for a while, I wasn't even reading them, and that makes me sad. But I'm back now! And I promise for more frequent updates. You all deserve that for being kick ass readers.

I guess I kind of scared you all with the whole comment about things getting worse - well, I'm not sure if it'll be as bad as you all expect. But, I guess you all will be the judge of that. I realize that it's going to be hard to redeem Lucas now, but stick with me, he's going to take a hell of a journey.

* * *

_When the one you leave is the one thing you believe  
You say goodbye when underneath's your one belief  
That love rules all, conquers all _

Being able to live together again has Nathan and Haley feeling like the newlyweds they once were. Since the shooting, their relationship has been stronger than ever, and cherishing every moment is something that neither has to be reminded of.

However, finding time alone in a one bedroom apartment with a third roommate is near impossible. So on this night, being able to become intimate without the brunette interrupting is exhilarating.

Which is why, when the frantic knocking on the door ceases to end, Nathan punches the pillow in frustration.

"Where the hell is Brooke?" Haley grumbles.

"I know where she's about to be - on the street," he growls, pulling his pants back on.

For a moment he looks forlornly at his wife laying on the bed half naked and has to control his intense lust for her and his intense anger at Brooke for not answering the door. Just as he's about to leave their bedroom, he hears Brooke's voice followed by Lucas's.

Figuring that his brother came here to seek refuge in his girlfriend and away from his house, he happily joins Haley back on their bed.

Until five minutes later, Brooke's shrieks are piercing through their apartment and Haley is pushing at him to let her up, concerned for her friend.

Once again, Nathan Scott is ready to kick Brooke Davis to the curb.

As Haley rounds the corner into their living area, she sees Lucas wobbling unsteadily down to the couch, holding his cheek. Brooke is huffing in anger, her face flushed and eyes wide. Haley can only deduce that she had slapped her boyfriend, and was left to wonder why.

"Is everything okay here?" She questions timidly, not wanting to butt into their relationship.

"Ask your best friend," Brooke spits furiously. "Because I have to go be with mine."

With one last look of contempt, Brooke slams out the door, not bothering to grab anything more than her car keys.

Haley turns from the door to Lucas on the couch, eyebrows raised. As she takes a seat next to him, Nathan enters the room, and his face drops.

"What did you do?" Nathan questions his brother gruffly, crossing his arms.

Lucas's face is pale and almost haggard - almost as if he's aged years in just one week. He doesn't answer, just buries his face in his hands, willing his stomach to stop churning, not wanting to throw up again tonight.

Haley throws a glance at Nathan, and runs a calming hand over her best friend's back. "Did something happen with Peyton?"

Her voice is much more gentle than his brother's, and for that Lucas is grateful, and relaxes into her touch. He's desperate for someone to comfort him right now, but knows he doesn't deserve it.

Lucas starts to answer the question, but his throat constricts tightly. Suddenly, every moment since he's met Peyton flashes through his mind and his heart begins to break.

He remembers the first time they ever talked, when she was so fiery and angry, her words edging on hurtful, but him seeing through the curls and venom.

"Lucas, please tell me you didn't do something stupid. I warned you," Nathan speaks. His voice is not angry and not threatening, but there's an underlying meaning.

He remembers the way she bit her lip and nodded after he won the game on the river court.

"I said some things… some things I can't take back," Lucas slurs.

He remembers the slight curve of her lips and deep emotion in her eyes when he swore he'd give up his father for her mother.

Haley frowns in distaste and leans in closer, sniffing delicately. "Are you…"

"Drunk," her husband offers. "Yeah he is."

"How do you know?"

Nathan leans back against the wall heavily. "I ran into him outside of Peyton's earlier. I knew I shouldn't have left him there," the last part he says more to himself than to either of the two occupants in the room.

Haley feels the dread creep up on her, remembering Lucas's words from earlier in the school day. "Tell me what you did, Lucas Eugene. Right now."

He remembers the night of his first game, telling her that her art mattered - the way she seemed to shine at his admittance.

"I shouldn't have gotten drunk, but I just… I can't help it Hales, I miss Keith so bad," he chokes back a sob. "I didn't mean all of what I said to her, I swear. I don't want to mean it…"

He remembers their first kiss that happened upon a dare, but transpired into so much more, followed by her leaving him in a moment of vulnerability and crushing emotion.

"Please tell me you didn't say what I think you said…" the only girl in the room whispers.

He remembers the intensity of their kisses in that seedy motel room. The stolen moments filled with passion and love and their bodies molding so perfectly together; something he still hasn't experienced again to this day.

Lucas looks from his brother to his best friend, their looks ranging from anger to upset, and his stomach shifts once more. He nods slightly, because he just _knows_ they know what he did. Without him even needing to say it.

Nathan kicks back at the wall, and Haley gasps.

"I told her I blamed her for Keith's death. I… if I'd never ran back in, then I wouldn't have... and Keith wouldn't have, and he'd still be alive."

He remembers kissing in libraries and hallways and making promises of needing to be with her; watching miserably as she walked away from him - _them_ - on his porch that dreadful night; telling her their connection would always be there, followed by a summer of just them reconnecting.

Finally he remembers her kissing him softly as tears tracked her cheeks, thinking her life was over, and that's his final breaking point.

Before Nathan can lunge at him or Haley can treat him to his second slap of the night, he's on his feet and throwing up once again.

And right before he passes out on the cold bathroom tile, Peyton's broken sobs resound in his head.

_And when your childhood slips away  
You find you face a brand new day  
And you know it can't be the same again _

Brooke frantically takes the steps in the Sawyer household two at a time until she reaches Peyton's room, and throws the door open. She finds the girl lying in her bed, curled into a ball and crying silently.

Once she sees Brooke, the silent tears turn into soft sniffles.

Without a moment's hesitation, Brooke kicks her shoes off and climbs into the bed, folding her arms around Peyton, smiling sadly when she feels her best friend lean into her body.

Twenty minutes pass before either one speaks, and Brooke's surprised at how raspy and drained Peyton's voice is when she says: "I don't want to talk about it or think about it. I just want to lay here with my best friend and pretend that I didn't just have my heart stomped on okay?"

Tears flood Brooke's eyes and she nods.

Dead mothers, getting shot in the leg, running red lights, and having their friendship apart - and this is the most utterly broken scene she's ever stumbled upon concerning Peyton Sawyer.

_'Cause when you leave you stayed in my memory  
You say goodbye for now and have a drink for us  
And good luck and find your way _

Begrudgingly, Haley lies a blanket atop Lucas's form, still passed out on the bathroom floor.

"He doesn't deserve any kindness," Nathan sneers.

"I won't argue with you on that," she murmurs, flicking off the light and shutting the door. "But he's still my best friend. And you brother. And we love him."

The brunette Scott rolls his eyes but doesn't object; it is a true statement, no matter how much he wants to beat his brother's ass.

"I know he's going through the worst time in his life, I know that - but I can't imagine him actually speaking those words to Peyton," Haley speaks as she walks into their bedroom.

Nathan nods in agreement. "Any woman, really. But Peyton? That's just… I can't believe he actually blames her. She's Peyton!"

He says these words as if they're supposed to be self explanatory, and in some way they are.

Lucas and Peyton might not be together now - and in all actuality, maybe never were, but there's a strong connection and unwavering bond between the two blondes that stretches beyond the realm of friendship. It's love in its purest form.

Haley smiles sadly as she shoves a pair of sleeping shorts and a fresh set of clothes into a Raven's blue duffle bag. Once finished, she hoists the bag over her shoulder and slips on a pair of shoes.

"Can I trust you not to kill your brother when he wakes up tomorrow morning?"

"I promise not to inflict too much damage," he teases as he pulls his wife into his arms.

Haley slaps his arm. "I mean it! And I'm so sorry our night got ruined…"

Nathan kisses her and then releases her. "Go. Be with Peyton, make sure she's okay. I'll see you tomorrow.

Kissing him one last time, she thinks of how lucky she is, but quickly worries when she realizes that if Peyton loves Lucas even a fraction of how much she loves her husband - her world must be completely thrown apart.

_Clawing out will sometimes seem so far away  
Never knowing if I'll live to see another day  
Never seem to find out what to do _

Walking into the dark bedroom of Peyton's, Haley immediately adjusts to the dim light and sees her two friends lying in the dark on the bed.

They both turn to look at her, and she drops her bag to the floor with a sympathetic smile, kicking off her shoes just as Brooke had done an hour ago.

Laying down on the other side of Peyton, she leans in and wraps her arms around the girl, sandwiching Peyton in between herself and Brooke. Before she can speak or go off on a Haley James tirade, Brooke pipes up.

"She doesn't want to talk about it or think about it. She just wants to lay here."

And so without a word, Haley tightens her grip on her blonde friend, smiling lightly when she feels Peyton's hand grip her own.

_No one seems to tell you  
'Cause you're drowning _

The next morning Brooke and Haley awake to find Peyton sitting on the floor examining a piece of art. When the girls join her, she hastily turns the piece over, and smiles softly at them.

"How you doing, buddy?"

Peyton looks at Brooke and shrugs. "Feeling like I just lost one of my best friends."

Haley rubs the girl's arm soothingly. "You haven't lost him Peyton. He was really upset last night."

"As she should be," Brooke scoffs. "I don't care how hurt he is, that's complete bullshit."

Surprised that his girlfriend would have such a strong reaction, Haley is silent for a moment. "You're right, it is. And I won't defend his actions, because I think it was completely uncalled for and devastating and so not Lucas."

"Trust me, I haven't even begun to express my feelings to him on the issue. Preferably I'd like to catch up with him when the hangover is just sinking in."

Haley chuckles loudly. "Oh my husband will be taking care of that, don't worry. He'll have enough to say for all 3 of us."

As Brooke chimes in with another catty remark, it only serves to break Peyton's heart further. She loves her friends more than anything, and she knows that they only want to make her feel better - but it's only reminding her of the reason they have to be at Lucas.

He cut her out and she doesn't think he'll ever let her back in.

Not wanting to be babied any longer, Peyton jumps up from the ground and sports a fake smile. "I'll go make us some breakfast before you two get going."

Brooke immediately follows Peyton, not wanting to leave her alone for a moment, but Haley strays behind. Once she's sure the girls are down the stairs, she picks the drawing up from the floor and her eyes mist when she takes the image and caption in:

A boy and a girl - Lucas and Peyton, obviously - stand together, his hand pressed to her heart. The caption bolded next the couple depicts the phrase, _'And now we can have it.'_

But what really breaks her heart is the words that come in a bubble from the boy's mouth: _"I've wanted this for so long."_

The Lucas then and the Lucas now are so completely different that her heart clenches and she wipes at the tears in her eyes. Tears for Peyton's pain and tears for the boy she once called her best friend without a lick of hesitation.

_When the one you leave is the one thing you believe  
You say goodbye when underneath's your one belief _

Making sure that the door closes fully behind Haley, Brooke turns and heads back to the kitchen, walking slowly to sort through the thoughts in her head.

In 24 hours, life had managed to find her needing a new place of residence, her relationship with Lucas on the brink of destruction, and her best friend heartbroken and still with a hole in her leg. Sighing deeply, she rolls her eyes heavenwards and wonders if there is any town in the world quite like Tree Hill.

The scene in the kitchen is kind of heartbreaking. More than kind of. Peyton is sitting on the kitchen floor, hair askew and dried tears coating her cheeks, arms wrapped tightly to her body, with one hand clutching a - presumably - cold cup of coffee. The look in her eyes gives way to semblance of emotion, in fact she seems void of any feelings. Had it not been for the past night she'd spent with her best friend, she'd never have guessed the anguish passing through the blonde woman.

"Gonna keep staring or take a seat with me?" Peyton asks quietly.

Brooke smiles tentatively and sits down next to her, bending her legs so that she can rest her chin atop her knees. For moments the girls sit staring at the wall in front of them, no words being exchanged. Finally feeling uncomfortable with the silence, Brooke turns her cheek and debates which words will be most effective.

The hardest part in all of this, for the normally bubbly brunette, is that the reason this hurts Peyton so deeply, that it cuts at her heart - is because Peyton's just as in love with Lucas Scott as she is.

Maybe even more.

And that's the thought that's kept her up every night since the shooting.

Shaking her head as if to rid the thoughts completely from her mind, she forces a soft smile onto her lips and takes her best friend's hand into hers.

"Peyton, I know you've said you don't want to talk about this, but…"

Peyton shakes her head furiously, not wanting to speak of Lucas for fear of tears once again overwhelming her. "No."

"Peyton, just listen. Please?" She asks softly.

Shrugging, Peyton doesn't bother to face Brooke.

"You know he's hurt, Peyt. You understand that… you've been through it," she treads lightly when she feels Peyton physically tense. "Not just with your moms, but you were there and you… got shot," she chokes out.

"He's going through so much pain right now, and there's misguided anger and hurt and grief - I don't know why he took it out on you, but I know he doesn't mean it. You're so important to him, P. Sawyer, you have to know that. He'd never want to hurt you."

Peyton wants to scream at Brooke that she wouldn't know anything about Lucas's pain because he doesn't want to talk to his own girlfriend, either. She knows how hard it is for Brooke to acknowledge anything between her and Lucas, so she tries to be understanding. It seems wrong for Brooke to be giving Peyton advice on this issue, but she closes her eyes tightly for a moment before speaking.

"But he did. And isn't that what matters?"

Nodding, Brooke is at a loss. It's been a monumental week, and not in a good way. There isn't really anything anyone can say to this girl to make her feel better.

Except for Lucas Scott, and neither of them are in enough denial to believe he'll be showing up to apologize any time soon.

Brooke stands and dusts off imaginary spots on her jeans and turns to offer a hand to Peyton. Once they're both standing, Brooke pulls Peyton into a crushing hug. She just wants to show her best friend in some way that she's there. That she's always there.

As Brooke is almost out the door, Peyton speaks gently - but the words are shocking.

"At least you no longer have to worry about Lucas loving me," Peyton jokes weakly, calling back to the conversation the two had after Keith's wake, on her front porch.

Brooke could laugh, but for just a second - and really, it's only a second - she forgets that Lucas Scott is her boyfriend and thinks of the love story that was Lucas and Peyton, and it's so damn heartbreaking, even she wants to cry.

Instead she forms a grim smile and walks backwards out of the room.

_That love rules all, conquers all  
That love rules all, it conquers all _

* * *

Let me know what you think!


	4. Only Ashes

W o w. You guys are so enthusiastic about this story, I can't help but feel that excitement. I really hope you all like where I'm going with this story. I'm really excited for it.

Last chapter I used Missy Higgin's **Drowning**, this chapter I'm using a personal favorite: Something Corporate's **Only Ashes**. Amazing, y'all. Check it out if you haven't, it's so powerful.

* * *

_Piece by piece, and bit by bit  
I'll break this down for you, real slow-  
But I can't whisper all of this  
and I can't seem to let this go_

The weekend had passed relatively easy; Peyton had locked herself within the confines of her bedroom, claiming to Haley, Nathan and Brooke that she was fine. None of the three friends bought her claims, but knew she needed time alone. The one time Brooke came by, she found Peyton's front door locked. Knowing that this was not a regular occurrence, Brooke left well enough alone and decided to give her the weekend to comprehend things without any of their friend's influences.

Lucas had woken from his fitful slumber the night after the big incident to cold tile and his brother's even colder glare.

"For the first time in my life, I think I'm too angry to kick your ass," Nathan had commented, disappointment dripping from his voice.

In all honesty, that had scared Lucas even more than the prospect of having Nathan's fist in his face.

After he'd made it home - and to no surprise, his mother was still locked inside her room - he crawled into his bed, taking Saturday and Sunday to sleep his hangover - or was it guilt - off. Haley had stormed into his room on Sunday evening, no longer able to bite her tongue. She'd rattled off the list of reasons she no longer felt like she knew him and when his face crumpled without shedding tears, she laid next to him on the bed, holding his hand; not quite forgiving him, but not able to stand by while he suffered.

Right before she walked out the door, he turned to her with the bluest eyes she'd ever seen. "I love you Hales. And I'm so sorry."

Nodding, she stared right back. "I'm not the one who needs to hear that right now."

This particular Monday morning was looming in it's dark ominous state, mirroring Lucas's mood exactly. He'd made a spectacle at Jimmy's locker the last time he'd been in these halls, and then with Peyton and his friends later in the day. He knew that all eyes would be on him, and having to listen to the curious whispers was sure to send him into another frantic state.

The first sight he sees is that of his girlfriend and best friend. Both girls see him approaching, and Haley quickly leaves, knowing the couple are on thin ice and in need of talking. When he reaches her, he stand awkwardly, not knowing what to say.

Brooke speaks first, quietly and steady. "You know I love you right?"

He nods, grateful that this girl still feels anything for him after the way he'd behaved.

"But I love her more, Luke. And I can't just forgive you for what you did."

Once again, he nods - these two best friends have an unbreakable bond. He knows, once upon a time he'd been the one to fracture their friendship, but their love for one another allowed for it to mend, and he swore he'd never interfere again.

"I know, Brooke."

She sighs in relief and reaches up to kiss him softly, and for a moment he feels like everything's okay.

But then she pulls back, and he spots a flash of blonde behind her, and he realizes everything _isn't_ okay.

"If you can't fix this," her voice trembles, "I'm not sure what kind of future there is for us."

He watches her walk away and can't bring himself to feel upset.

_So I'll watch the matches, turn to ashes-  
I'll watch the matches, turn to ashes._

Peyton eyes Brooke and Lucas out of the corner of her eye, not sure how she feels. Before the shooting, she'd never been jealous of their relationship. Maybe in a few dark moments, she'd wondered why it was Brooke Lucas had chosen and not her - but seeing them kiss had never made her squirm so much.

So on this day, it comes as a shock to her system that especially after the way he treated her, the feelings she'd once had for him come bubbling the surface, and the small insignificant peck the couple had just shared tore at her.

As Lucas approaches his locker, only 3 away from hers, her palms begin to sweat, and she feels as if she might be sick.

Trying to slip away without him seeing her, she piles too many books into one arm and they all end up falling to the ground between them. Shocked, Peyton looks up at him and his eyes meet hers.

At the same time, they both bend down to pick up her dropped materials, coming into seriously close contact.

"It's okay, I've got it," she snaps.

Lucas recoils, knowing he deserves any animosity she has toward him.

"Just forget it, Luke," she mumbles.

Once she's stood to her full height, she sees the hurt in his eyes and tries to ignore it. She knows he deserves every ounce of hurt for what he'd done, but it still tugged at her heartstrings.

"How are you?" He dares to ask.

Her eyes darken, but she answers: "Oh just swell."

Lucas slams his door shut and begins to walk away; feeling bad, she catches up to him. "That was rude. How are you?"

His eyes brighten when he speaks. "You know…. I've been better."

They stand awkwardly in the middle of the bustling crowd of teenagers, not knowing what to say. It bothers him more than he'd thought that the conversation that had once so easily flowed between them is gone. He thought by showing up at her house, he was giving himself what he wanted, but it had just the opposite effect.

"Listen, I have to get to class…" she trails off. She backs away with a slight wave, before scurrying down the hall.

Now, as he watches this girl walk down the hall, he vaguely recognizes that it stings a hell of a lot worse than it did when his girlfriend had done the same thing.

_I can tell as you turn, I smell the sulfur so clear  
and fire's a beautiful sound-  
and the wings that you burn, turn to ashes my dear  
and ashes just fall to the ground.  
Yeah, we're only ashes._

The day had cleared up remarkably, and by the time lunch arrived, a blue sky with a semi bright sun was present.

Walking tiredly down the hall, Peyton stops to abandon her morning books and grab her lunch. She feels Brooke approach before she even sees her, and stops to smile.

"B. Davis," she greets.

"Hey P. Sawyer!" Brooke says, her voice perkier than Peyton's heard in days. "It's so nice today, so we're all eating outside."

Peyton's eyes flash with concern, and Brooke puts a hand on her shoulder. "I haven't seen him since this morning, so I wouldn't worry about it."

Laughing sadly, Peyton follows her to the table where Nathan and Haley are hovering over a textbook; Nathan looking smug, and Haley looking frustrated.

"Nathan, just because we're married doesn't mean I won't whip your ass into shape when it comes to school. You have to let me help you if you don't understand something," she insists.

Nathan leans back and rolls his eyes, spotting his two friends. "Brooke, Peyton - thank God."

Haley smacks him but smiles. Her smile turns into one of sympathy when she sees Peyton. "How you doing, girlie?"

Knowing Haley is only meaning well, she smiles tightly. "I'm fine."

"Really Sawyer?" Nathan asks.

Brooke looks curious as well, so she puts her hands flat on the table and breathes deep. "Okay, I know what happened was… really bad. And I was devastated. Lucas doesn't want me in his life anymore, and you're all right - I'm not the best right now, but it'll be okay. Now, can we have a nice lunch and talk about something non Lucas related?"

The other three all look to each other and nod in agreement. Haley begins rattling on about school, with Brooke interjecting every so often about her fashion line. Nathan has a comment or two about basketball, and Peyton just smiles, taking it all in. For a little while, it all feels normal - but they all can't help but feel the missing presence of Lucas.

"Lucas," Haley states, surprised.

Peyton sighs, "What did I just say Hales?"

"No," Nathan interrupts, "he's walking this way."

Peyton's eyes pop open and she begins to panic. They'd just talked this morning, and that was a painful event she didn't want to repeat. Gathering her backpack and her lunch, she begins to retreat just as Lucas reaches the table.

"Hey guys," he greets softly.

Brooke smiles at him, while Haley waves. Nathan nods, and Peyton backs away again. "I'll see you all later."

Brooke, Haley, and Nathan all call out to her, but Lucas sits not knowing what to do.

"Good going, bro," Nathan smartly says.

"Luke, you should've stopped her," Haley comments.

Brooke just shakes her head and pushes her food around. He reaches over to take her hand, but she moves it away quickly.

"You guys act like I killed her puppy!" He exclaims.

"Nope, just her heart," comes the snide remark from Nathan. "I've lost my appetite."

Haley sighs, torn between following her husband or staying with her best friend. "Are you just going to ignore her forever?"

"No!" He exclaims. "We… kind of talked this morning."

"Kind of?" His best friend questions.

"It's never going to be the same," he sadly admits.

Haley sighs and hugs him from behind. "Find a way, Luke."

She walks away leaving the not-so-happy couple to themselves, once again.

"I told you to make it better," Brooke murmurs.

"Well Brooke, what did you expect? I said some things that were really hurtful, do you expect it to be all better in a day?"

"No," she snaps. "I expected the boy I love to have never acted the way you did. The Lucas I fell in love with would never have spoken such hateful words to one of his friends. The girl that's my best friend. I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore, Lucas."

"Join the club," he snaps back.

"Who are you Luke? You don't answer my calls, or open the door when I come over. You barely bother to kiss me any more, and God forbid I try to initiate being intimate with you. You are not the same boy that promised to love me. And I don't know how much longer I can do this."

Feeling his final string snap, he slams his book down and leaps from the table. "You know what Brooke? If you're gonna keep threatening to break up with me, you might as well do it. Do us both a favor," he seethes.

Brooke tries to call out to him, but he's across the quad before her voice clears enough to speak.

_Part by part and inch by inch,  
You'll have your mile when its through.  
Incinerate what's left of this  
and torch the part of me that's you_

Lucas pulls the door open after listening to the person on the other side knock for a full minute. He'd had hope that whoever it was would leave, but there was no such luck.

Luck was even further from his grasp when he opened the door to see Dan Scott on the other side. Looking at him without emotion, Lucas goes to shut the door on him, but Dan sneaks his foot in.

Not bothering to push him back out, Lucas walks into the kitchen, listening to Dan follow him.

"How are you son?"

Lucas shudders at the use of the word. Keith was the one who was supposed to be here, using that term. "I'm fine, Dan. Why are you here?"

Dan sighs, unsure of that himself. "I wanted to talk to your mother, how is she?"

"Well, not great, as you can expect. And I'm sure the brother of her dead fiancée showing up isn't going to help matters," Lucas sneers.

For a moment, Lucas thinks he sees the shell of a real man in Dan's eyes - regret and sadness. But he pushes that aside and powers on.

"She's been locked in her room since it happened, so I doubt you of all people will get her to come out."

Understanding Lucas's anger, Dan steps forward to put a hand to his firstborn son's shoulder, but Lucas backs away quickly, grabbing his jacket from the back of a kitchen chair, knocking it over in the process.

"Tell my mother I said hi if she comes out."

_So I'll watch the matches, turn to ashes._

Lying with her back on the hard cement of the river court, Peyton stares into the sky, making out shapes in the clouds. A soft smile encompasses her features as she remembers the countless hours her and Brooke had spent in the grass in front of her house, laughing as they called out crocodiles, fire trucks, and boats. More and more recently, her wishes have been that of taking her back to her childhood and doing things all over again. To have that innocence back is something she craves more than anything.

It's up there with wishing that Lucas hadn't come back for her.

Just as the sixty seventh round of tears are beginning to flood her lids, she hears the crunching of gravel underneath shoes and quickly rises from her position.

And of course, just when she's down and out, none other than Lucas Scott is standing in front of her, looking like a deer caught in the headlights. If she weren't so forlorn she'd probably be laughing.

Sighing sadly to herself, because all in all right now it's hard not to recall the playful moments they'd spent on this very court laughing at the way she just couldn't - or wouldn't - learn how to play ball as he tried to teach her, she scrambles to her feet.

Without acknowledging his presence, she begins to walk toward her car when his voice softly calls out to her:

"You don't have to leave just because I'm here."

"Well, I'm not going to stay."

The scene is reminiscent of earlier in the day when she'd sprinted from the lunch table, and Lucas closes his eyes for a second.

They're standing only feet apart, but he swears the gap has never felt wider between them. Emotionally and in his heart. She feels a million miles away, and so far out of his grasp.

It's of his own doing and he's trying to ignore the different voices in his head.

"Peyton, I'm-" He begins to speak, but she cuts him off first with her hand and then with words.

"Don't," her voice is raw and gravelly, "Don't you _dare_ say you're sorry."

There's a few tears tainting the porcelain of her cheek, and he remembers the same scene on the day of the shooting, and the same longing to wipe it away tugs at his heart.

He's momentarily surprised, but then again he's not.

Lucas may have verbalized that he wanted to quit saving her, but even he knows that actions speak louder than words.

He's just become damn good at ignoring his heart these past few days.

She's looking into his eyes as if trying to figure out why he's behaving this way. It's such a turn from the night he broke her down, and she doesn't know how to handle herself.

Stuffing his hands into his pockets, he shrugs in defeat. "I don't know what you want me to say."

Peyton scoffs and tucks a curl behind her ears. "To be honest, I'm not too sure what I want to hear from you myself."

"I don't want it to be like this," he admits.

When she looks into his eyes, he almost gasps at how bloodshot they are, and the fact that the green has faded into a dull grey.

She starts to use the phrase, 'You dug your own grave,' but figures that term at this time would be more than counterproductive, so she just rolls her eyes and crosses her arms. It may have been quite some time since she's had to use her defense mechanisms against this boy, but she finds that they come back to her all too easily.

"Peyton, I know you don't want to hear that I'm sorry," he begins.

She laughs mirthlessly, followed by a groan. His voice rises, and for a minute she stubbornly detects the truth in his tone. "But I am Peyton! I'm sorry - I should not have said those things the way I did. Getting drunk and saying those vile things… it wasn't the way I should've handled myself."

Breathing deep, she forces her heart to stop beating so erratically, and tries to calm herself. When she opens her eyes again, she's surprised at the vast amount of tears that are blurring her vision. "But you meant them?"

Lucas turns from her to look out at the river. As he gazes into the blue depth, he's transported back to that day. He might not have meant to be so cruel, but what he was feeling had some validation, and he thinks it might break his heart more than hers. This is the girl that had captured his affection before he even know what the concept of love was. Not holding her up to that pedestal was as damaging for him as it was for her. Possibly more so.

He turns back to her, and takes one of her hands in both of his, rubbing his thumb over hers. "I don't want to hurt you," he whispers, "but when I look at you, all I can see is Keith."

Peyton begins to sob, and he has to choke back a couple dry sobs of his own. He's never been able to take seeing her cry. And now with her soft flesh touching his own, and her scent lingering in the space between, she's positively breaking down his soul.

"And I don't know when I'm going to be able to look at you and not hurt. I don't want it to be this way, but…" stalling, not wanting to say what he has to say, he grips her hand tighter, "I think it would probably be best if we just didn't talk for a while."

Peyton bows her head and tries to pull away, but he pulls her right back, almost unable to let go, contradicting the words he'd just spoken. "No, Peyton, don't leave like this. I don't want it to be this way. Hurting you is like hurting myself, and I'm so sorry. God, I'm so sorry," and now he doesn't even bother to hide the ache in voice, and tears in his eyes.

"Just for a little while. It won't be forever."

There are a hundred different things she wants to say, but none of them seem suitable as their last words to each other for who knows how long?

For all she knows, they might never speak again. Somewhere she acknowledges that this notion is silly, but the pain is so raw and new, her thoughts are clouded.

So instead, she leans forward to first kiss his cheek and then leans back to look at the blue eyes she fell in love with not so long ago, trying to memorize the color. "Whatever you need to do, Luke - I want you to be happy. Be happy, I want that with all my heart."

Lucas leans down to kiss her knuckles before tugging away from her, not wanting her to see the way his heart is breaking.

It's not an easy decision, but he can't keep punishing her for something that she never meant to do.

And he hopes that this realization is just the beginning of many that will bring him back to her.

_I can tell as you turn, I smell the sulfur so clear  
and fire's a beautiful sound-  
and the wings that you burn turn to ashes my dear  
and ashes just fall to the ground.  
Yeah, we're only ashes._

* * *

Let me know what you think! Don't worry guys, don't for one second think Peyton's forgiven him yet. Y'all know it's not that easy.


End file.
